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| MUSIC JOKES |
Organ The organ is the instrument of worship, for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God. Why are the organs in Heaven unplayable? Because their keys were stolen to make accordions in Hell. What's the difference between a battery and an organist? A battery has a positive side. Why do some people take an instant dislike to organists? Because, in the long run, it saves time. What does an organist use for birth control? His personality. What's the definition of a gentleman? An organist who can play the works of Tournemire, but doesn't. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the Tournemire recital. What's the difference between a church organist and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. How many cathedral organists does it take to change a light bulb? "Change! What's change?" How many organists does it take to change a light bulb? One - but he'll do it too loudly. How do you get a organist to play quietly? Give him music to read. Why do organists play recitals at so many different venues? To keep assassins guessing. What's the difference between puppies and organists? Puppies eventually stop whining. If you were in a room full of organists and had a gun with only one bullet, who would you shoot? Yourself. What's better than having roses on your piano? Having tulips on your organ. Why did J.S. Bach have so many children? Because his organ had no stops. Said Wanda Landowska to a rival musician: "There's no reason why we should not be friends. We both play Bach. You in your way, and I in his."
Piano Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because it makes a much bigger "kaboom" when dropped from a great height. Why was the piano invented? So musicians would have somewhere to place their beer glasses.
Harp How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
String String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune." A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. If a 100 dollar note is placed in the middle of the field who will get to it first? The second violinist, because: No first violinist goes anywhere for only $100. There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist. The bass player won't have figured out what he's supposed to do. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, with a sign proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign in their shop window saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
Violin How do you know when a violin is out of tune? The bow can be seen moving. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning? Because they rarely strike the same spot twice. What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference, it's just that a violin looks smaller because a violinist's head is so much bigger. Why don't viola players suffer from haemorrhoids? Because all the assholes are in the violin section. Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them. Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? Because violins don't have spit valves. What's the difference between violinists and dogs? Dogs stop scratching sometimes. Why can't second violinists change a light bulb? Because they can't get up that high. A violinist says to his wife: "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin." She replies: "I'd rather you played me like a harmonica." Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing nearby, suggested: "How about your repertoire?"
Viola What's the difference between front desk violas and back desk violas? About a semi-tone. How can you ensure that your violin is never stolen? Put it in a viola case. What's the most beautiful sound a viola can make? "Splash". A conductor asks a violist why he's crying and gets the answer: "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replies, "That's a little childish, but surely it's not worth getting so upset about?" To which the violist blubs: "But he won't tell me which one it is." Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts, she is unable to keep time with the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind everyone else. If the orchestra moves to a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing in this way undetected?
'Cello Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So the 'cellists don't have to be retrained. How do you make a 'cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a viola. How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? Mark the score "pp, espressivo".
Double Bass What's the difference between a double bass and a coffin? The coffin has its corpse on the inside.
Lute Lute players spend half their time tuning their instruments and the other half playing out of tune.
Piccolo How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? Shoot one of them. Two musicians walking down the street. One asks: "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies: "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Bassoon Why are bassoons better than an oboes? Because they burn for longer.
Oboe What is the definition of a quarter step? Two oboes playing in unison. What is the definition of a half step? Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
Clarinet What do you call a clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. Why did the clarinetist leave his instrument's case on the car dashboard? As a sort of permit for parking in a handicapped zone. What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when a clarinet is chopped up. How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb? One - but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding the right one. Sandy doesn't like spending money on reeds for her clarinet. If she adopts a policy of only playing on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she saves if she invests it in mutual funds yielding 8.7% before she is fired?
Saxophone There are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy, as the clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? The grip. Small wonder the world's air is polluted when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Trumpet What do pirates and trumpet players have in common? They both do murder on the high seas. How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? "Hi, I'm better than you." Why can't gorillas play the trumpet? Because they're too sensitive. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five - one to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
French Horn How do horn players traditionally greet each other? "Hi, I did that piece in junior high." Why is the French horn a "divine" instrument? Because man blows into it but God alone knows what comes out of it. How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? One - but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment. How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Trombone It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as they play it. How can you tell which kid in a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. What kind of diary does a trombonist use for his gigs? Year-at-a-glance. What do you call a trombonist with a pager and a cellphone? An optimist. What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says "Domino's Pizza". What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On or off.
Tuba How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue. What's the range of a tuba? About 20 yards, if you've got a good throwing arm. These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen! How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? Three - one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Soprano What's the definition of a mezzo soprano? An alto with a soprano's attitude. What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning? She puts on her clothes and goes home. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. How do you make a soprano's eyes light up? Shine a torch in her ear. What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a killer whale? About 10 pounds in weight and a dress. What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? Lipstick. If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? The violist, as the soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask for directions. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? None - she'll just steal someone else's light. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? One - but she holds the bulb while the room and the world revolve around her. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to hold the diet cola and another to instruct the accompanist to do it. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Three - one to change the bulb and two others to pull the chair out from under her. What's the definition of an alto? A soprano who can sight read.
Alto What's the difference between male altos and female altos? Male altos don't have hairy backs. What's the difference between a contralto and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
Tenor Where does a tenor's resonance come from? The space where his brain should be. How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched. How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Four - one to change the bulb and three others to ask: "Isn't that a bit high for you, dear?"
Bass A successful choir's much-loved conductor was taken seriously ill shortly before a major concert. With only four weeks to go and several rehearsals to complete, an appeal went out for a short-term but immediate replacement. One of the bass singers had conducting experience and, to the relief of all, took-up the baton. The concert was a resounding success. At the next rehearsal, the pro-tem conductor returned to the Bass section. As he sat down in his usual place, his neighbour turned to him and said: "Where the hell have you been? I haven't seen you for a month!"
Conductor What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? On a bull, the horns are at the front and the asshole's at the back. What is the difference between a stage coach driver and a conductor? A stage coach driver has only four assholes to look at. What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor? A Rottweiler. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor, because business should come before pleasure. What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? Not enough concrete. Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to a festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. What's the difference between a conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? The footpads buck up the feet. What's the difference between a conductor and bucket of shit? The bucket. Why is a conductor like a condom? It's safer with one, but more fun without. What's the difference between the alto clef and Greek? Some conductors actually read Greek. What's the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat. A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," is the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same response. Eventually, the receptionist asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby? A baby sucks his fingers.
High School Chorus How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? He walks into the wrong classroom on the first day of school. What is the difference between a high school chorus director and a chimpanzee? The Chimp can probably communicate with humans. What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school chorus performance? The tennis final has more men in it.
Accordion What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? You should take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline. What should you do if you see an accordion player drowning? Throw him his instrument. A guy goes into a bar and says to the large, strapping bartender: "Do you want to hear my latest accordion joke?" "Actually," says the bartender, "I play the accordion. As does that logger over there, and that big fella playing darts. Do you still want to tell your joke?" "No," the guy replies, "I don't fancy having to explain it three times." What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. If you drop an accordion and a set of bagpipes off a 20-story building, which would land first? Who cares?
Bagpipes Why do bagpipers march when playing? Because it's harder to hit a moving target.
Banjo There's nothing quite like the sound of a banjo - but a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner comes pretty close to it. What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has a greater dynamic range. What's the least-used question in the English language? "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?" What do you call a banjo player in a Porsche? A thief.
Miscellaneous A female vocalist says to her keyboard player: "I'd like to sing 'My Funny Valentine' again but can you think of a way to jazz it up?" The keyboard player replies: "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G-sharp minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge and, finally, cut off the last three bars." "That sounds a bit too complicated", says the vocalist. To which the keyboard player responds: "Well, that's how you did it last night!" What do a drummer and a philosopher have in common? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. What do you do with a bad trumpet player? Give him two sticks and make him a percussionist. What do you do with a bad percussionist? Take away one stick and make him a conductor. What do you call someone who hangs around with a bunch of musicians? A percussionist. How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? None - "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake them." What does it say on a Blues singer's tombstone? "Didn't wake up this morning..." What happens if you play Blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. How many Country & Western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three - one to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go through the Pearly Gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "OK, go through the Pearly Gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up in the freight elevator, through the kitchen..." A musician at the Pearly Gates announces: "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra." "Excellent!" says St. Peter, "We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. So, our friend turns up with his trombone for the rehearsal. As he took his seat, God tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the second trombonist and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but sometimes he thinks he's Von Karajan." A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week." The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement." The doctor says, "I guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, still nothing!" The worried doctor says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10. Go get something to eat." There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician and the other didn't have any money either. What do you call a musician without a lover? Homeless. What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord? A dimented chord. "Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour." Rossini
Definitions Accidental: Wrong note. Ad libitum: A premiere. Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind. Cadence: The part when everybody hopes you're going to stop. Coloratura soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it. Crotchet: Similar to knitting, but usually faster. Diatonic: A low-calorie drink by Schweppes. Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. Perfect Pitch: When you throw a banjo into the dumpster and it lands exactly on top of the bagpipes. Relative minor: A trumpet player's girlfriend. Senza sordino: A term used to remind the player that he forgot to put on his mute a few bars back. Soviet String Quartet: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra returning to Russia after its tour of the U.S.A. Vibrato: A device used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong note. Interval: The time it takes to find the right note.
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| About the owner/webmaster: Stephen D. Smith maintains organrecitals.com - which gets over half-a-million "hits" annually - with technical advice and support from Stephen Walmsley and Calum Mackay [more info]. He has served as President of the Atlantic City Convention Hall Organ Society [www.acchos.org] for 12 years and, in 2008, was appointed lifetime Honorary Curator of the building's two organs - one of which is the world's largest, having 449 ranks and 33,000-plus pipes [stop list]. His two published books about this colossal instrument run to more than 600 pages [more info] and he has written numerous articles about it for various periodicals and websites. |